Depression; Thief of Life

The Thief Known as Depression

Depression was many things to me.  It was a thief of fun and energy.  It was something to hide and be ashamed of; it was something that made me feel different and inferior… damaged goods in some way.  It made me fearful that my defect would be discovered.

It also made me jealous; jealous of others who could have fun and be silly while I was so serious and just tried to maintain.

I lived with depression for decades.  My first memory of it is when I was twelve years old.  I began crying for silly reasons, and no one could figure out what was wrong with me.  Eventually as I recall, our family doctor treated me for anxiety.

Depression always made me feel different from others even at a very young age.  I was keenly aware of passing time when I was growing up.  While other kids my age couldn’t wait to get older and be adults, I would feel melancholy with the realization that someday we would wish we were this young again.

When I became an adult and was working, I spent many years hiding my depression from others.  I especially tried to hide it from co-workers and clients.  I was afraid if people knew my struggles, they would think I couldn’t do my job effectively and wouldn’t trust me with their business.  I spent a lot of time and energy pretending to be fine and hiding my nearly constant sadness.

Depression was a lot of work.  I used to check in with myself all the time.   How am I feeling today? Will it be a good day?  Sometimes I would just wake up depressed and that would be the day; sometimes I would wake up, and my first thought would be “how soon can I get back in bed”?

I would get “signals” that a real wave of depression was heading my way.  I used to refer to it as the black cloud that would roll in.  I also called it feeling chemical, because it felt like something just went out of balance.  Sad, disturbing thoughts, a feeling I was in a hole below ground level with my eyes just peeking above the dirt.  Nothing I could do but hunker down and wait for it to pass.

I was on and off anti-depressants quite a few times, but eventually would get off them as they made me feel unwell.  Fuzzy headed and not sharp, I had vivid dreams, some nausea and other unpleasant side effects.

It wasn’t until I changed my diet that I experienced what for me, was a true miracle!

The person who sits and writes this today is no longer depressed.  No drugs; nothing more than eating clean whole food.  It was hard for me to come back to this place and look at how I felt and lived.  I didn’t want to remember all those years of depression; about how being depressed robbed me of so much joy and kept me from living my life fully.  It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my new brother-in-law’s sister that this really changed.  We were talking about diet, and it led to me telling her about how I cured my depression with diet.  I told her I was writing a book about it, but was having a hard time going back there to do the hard work for the book.

She said that I needed to do it for the others who are struggling and who don’t know my story.  I took here words to heart; here is the beginning of that look back for me.

I want others to know that although I’m not a doctor and can’t say I can cure depression, I can say with complete confidence that I cured mine; and  I can share how I did it.

If you want to read more, here’s a link to the classic book Sugar Blues by William Dufty.

Helping you achieve Major Wellness in your life!

Cheryl A Major, CNWC