The Thief Known as Depression
Depression was many things to me. It was a thief of fun and energy. It was something to hide and be ashamed of; it was something that made me feel different and inferior… damaged goods in some way. It made me fearful that my defect would be discovered.
It also made me jealous; jealous of others who could have fun and be silly while I was so serious and just tried to maintain.
I lived with depression for decades. My first memory of it is when I was twelve years old. I began crying for silly reasons, and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. Eventually as I recall, our family doctor treated me for anxiety.
Depression always made me feel different from others even at a very young age. I was keenly aware of passing time when I was growing up. While other kids my age couldn’t wait to get older and be adults, I would feel melancholy with the realization that someday we would wish we were this young again.
When I became an adult and was working, I spent many years hiding my depression from others. I especially tried to hide it from co-workers and clients. I was afraid if people knew my struggles, they would think I couldn’t do my job effectively and wouldn’t trust me with their business. I spent a lot of time and energy pretending to be fine and hiding my nearly constant sadness.
Depression was a lot of work. I used to check in with myself all the time. How am I feeling today? Will it be a good day? Sometimes I would just wake up depressed and that would be the day; sometimes I would wake up, and my first thought would be “how soon can I get back in bed”?
I would get “signals” that a real wave of depression was heading my way. I used to refer to it as the black cloud that would roll in. I also called it feeling chemical, because it felt like something just went out of balance. Sad, disturbing thoughts, a feeling I was in a hole below ground level with my eyes just peeking above the dirt. Nothing I could do but hunker down and wait for it to pass.
I was on and off anti-depressants quite a few times, but eventually would get off them as they made me feel unwell. Fuzzy headed and not sharp, I had vivid dreams, some nausea and other unpleasant side effects.
It wasn’t until I changed my diet that I experienced what for me, was a true miracle!
The person who sits and writes this today is no longer depressed. No drugs; nothing more than eating clean whole food. It was hard for me to come back to this place and look at how I felt and lived. I didn’t want to remember all those years of depression; about how being depressed robbed me of so much joy and kept me from living my life fully. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my new brother-in-law’s sister that this really changed. We were talking about diet, and it led to me telling her about how I cured my depression with diet. I told her I was writing a book about it, but was having a hard time going back there to do the hard work for the book.
She said that I needed to do it for the others who are struggling and who don’t know my story. I took here words to heart; here is the beginning of that look back for me.
I want others to know that although I’m not a doctor and can’t say I can cure depression, I can say with complete confidence that I cured mine; and I can share how I did it.
If you want to read more, here’s a link to the classic book Sugar Blues by William Dufty.
Helping you achieve Major Wellness in your life!
Cheryl A Major, CNWC